My Sister, My Chef

 

Good morrow! Yes, it is I, Ackmena DaVadge! As you can see I'm still running this same little watering hole in Mos Eisley. I'm still high as fuck. And I'm still fighting with that Barbarine and his band of selfish, Kloo Horn-hugging bastards. I prefer Bastille but so far they haven't accepted my invitation to play in the Cantina. Barbarine has become... insufferable! Not only does he demand an exorbitant fee for playing the same tune over and over, he's taken to nutting my patrons as they walk past with his big bulbous noggin. Just 'cause. He knocked out Hem Dazon and Mhyr Rho and I had to call Naboo Cabs while they were indisposed. Do I look like a taxi firm? You don't have to answer that. What is it with working the night shift here at the Cantina? I don't hear all this crazy happening to Wuher.  

Talking of crazy, I got a visit from a Force Ghost last night. There I was, reclining in my quarters with a bottle of absinthe and Diahnn Carroll on the turntable - the moment lasted forever - when who walks through the wall but Biggs 'Dandruff' Darklighter. The last I'd heard he'd got blown up in the Battle of Yavin. Seeing him all blue and glowing in his fine cape, I did what any other sane person would do. I shit myself. Biggs found that highly amusing. He slapped his rubber trousers and twirled his porn 'tache, then asked for a seat; like old Ben Kenobi even a ghost needs a sit down. I told Biggs he was looking well. He found this even funnier. I asked how I could help him. It seemed he was seeking sustenance; he and his dead X-Wing squadron buddies were starving and Nandos was closed. That was when Jek Porkins and his mate Teek Baconslice materialised, and asked for fries. Well, I sent them on their way, I'm not firing up the ovens to prepare ghastly reformed chicken at this time of the night. Plus I ain't no chubby chaser.

 

 

I perked up a little this morning when Lt Janek Sunber popped back into my humble establishment. He'd been bumming around the galaxy with BoShek in his two-seater ship, the Restless Pelvis. That Corellian certainly knows how to party! Sunber had only returned to retrieve his wallet though, which he'd left in my bedroom the last time he stayed. Sosio had already rifled through it and found a photo of Colonel Ziering: 'to Janek, with love xx' and an officer's-only discount coupon for the Death Star II bar (This time it's personnel). I told Janek he'd just missed Biggs, (unlike Darth Vader in the Death Star trench. Snicker.) 

Janek was in a bad mood as usual. He was still deliberating on whether he was on the wrong side of the war. If you don't know, Janek is the Empire's very own Forest Gump. He achieved some modest fame when he was stationed on Maridun under Captain Clusterfuk and helped slaughter a load of innocent Amanin. Bless! I decided to straighten him out and showed him the opening scroll to 'A New Hope' where I pointed out the words 'EVIL' and 'EMPIRE'. That was pretty unequivocal. Janek wouldn't have it and we spent a few heady minutes arguing the toss:

Me - 'you're on the wrong side!'

Janek - 'am not!'

Me - 'Are too!'

Artoo? Beep boop a doop. 

For a guy who got nicknamed Jane Sunbed by his men he was pale! Especially as he lives on a desert planet too. Camie the Tosche Station Resident Slag would mock Janek mercilessly about this. HER tan was the talk of Tatooine. She was hot and she knew it. But not as hot as ‘Windy’ Starkiller. Now he was super hot, and his scarf was apricot. Windy was SO vain, he KNEW that song was about him! Janek was secretly in love with Camie, but he was also secretly in love with Fixer, too. He also had a mancrush on Biggs, but he didn’t like Luke, not in that way. Luke was too truculent and downright nauseating. Janek and Luke Skywalker used to bump fists all the time, but those days are over!  Anyway, Janek looked a mite under the weather. That poor kid needed feeding up. He might have been the biggest boy in Anchorhead but that was only because his father made him eat only steroids. He needed some good old fashioned Gormaanda cooking. I took it upon myself to call the chef up on my holonet screen and invite her over. Whoa! That was a mistake, and then some.

 

Gormaanda arrived and immediately set her portable kitchen up right in the middle of my Cantina. 'Helllllooo...' she cooed. Then instantly got down to preparing a wholesome, family-orientated dish:

'Nicely, nicely.... a litre of strong cider. Half a bottle of vodka... some whiskey, to taste.

A sprig of marijuana. A few shakes of coke. Perhaps some crystal meth. But just a threat!

Add a dash of whizz... umm, very good... yes, whizz is good!

And just a little whisper of meow meow.

Oh, we've forgotten something haven't we? That's right! The amyl nitrate!

This is the best bit. The tasting!

Mmm. That is nice. Perhaps a dash of MDMA. Just adds that touch of piquancy.

Now its time to put our speed into our feed!

It's still lacking that je ne sais quoi...'

Gormaanda unscrewed a pendant round her neck: 'I keep a fabled portion of ketamine just for these occasions. This is how I smuggle it offworld!

Now for the stirring. We want a nice consistency, don't we?

Stir stir stir stir

Stir stir stir

Whip whip whip whip

Whip whip whip

Stir whip, stir whip, whip whip stir!'

A third hand popped up, holding a knife.

'Stir, whip, slice!

Gormaanda slashed her wrist. Blood sprayed everywhere.

'Coming along nicely!'

Another arm appeared. This one was holding a blaster.

'Stir, whip, slice, shoot!'

More blood fountained into the air, and Gormaanda blew a sizeable chunk out of the ceiling with the gun. Some plaster landed in her hair, which had come loose as she whirled it round her head.

Everyone ducked.

'No blasters!' I shouted.

'Cooking can be fun!' Gormaanda was firing indiscriminately into the crowd now. 'Stir, whip... I hate you all! You god damn freaks!'

That was when Sunber took her out with a flying kick, leaping right over the bar. That was heroic, not to say acrobatic! Gormaanda went down like a sack of Kessel Spice and thankfully it was all over. Her pot had tipped up and the liquid was melting a hole through the bar top.

'Janek, you're my hero!' I gushed.

Sunber gave me a dirty look, dragged Gormaanda out by one of her many arms and shot her like a dog in the street. It was one of those days.

And yes, I'm still high!