Ewokalypse Now

 

 

Have you heard of Fooksey and Pebble? They're pickpocket and shoplifting ewok kleptos, infamous for splashing their name around the outer rim. They had been evacuated from Endor after bits of the Second Death Star rained down on the Ewok Village and wiped out most of Chief Chirpa's tribe. Ending up on Tatooine with the rest of the space flotsam they were trained by Reegesk as skilled pickpockets. They hung around the Mos Eisley Cantina ever since Reegesk went into a diabetic coma and was put in a retirement home.

Fooksey was advised by his pet iguana who was on crystal meth so the little furry pair inevitably got into lots of trouble, appearing on a Holonet Show in a reenactment of the ancient Sith festival of Hallo Ene, which got out of hand when the ewoks got drunk and started sexually assaulting Sith Lords. Pebble was normally a well behaved little ewok but Darth Deciduous spiked his drink - he was moonwalking and everything! At one point he shagged Kadi-Al-Nolan's leg thinking he was the legendary Han Solo. In fairness he was dressed as him, having stolen some of his clothes.

It's an average day at Ackmena's. The arse has fallen out of her latest business enterprise of selling moisture vaporators that double as hatstands and all the singing in the world won't cover the debt. Ackmena is busy googling 'cantina and giant rat' when Fooksey and Pebble bring her a host of stuff to fence.

(Fooksey and Pebble enter the Cantina, chattering over the sack of items they are carrying)

ACKMENA - Oh, it's you! Thank the Madclaw. I'm in something of a financial pickle, and my two favourite ewoks looked like welching out on me.

PEBBLE - Gunda Wunka Finger Wa!

ACKMENA - You're so fucking charming! Let me tell you I have not SLEPT! What have you got for me?

(Fooksey unloads the sack full of niknaks onto the bar top. Ackmena rifles through them with increasing disappointment:)

ACKMENA - What? Is this it? What were you thinking? The jawbone of some ass? The ass of some womp rat? A piece of fluff. That might come in handy. What do you take me for?

FOOKSEY - Goopa!

ACKMENA - 'Fooksey... Pebble... friends. What are you trying to do to me? Chalmun will have my breasts for braces!

FOOKSEY - Akeaata!

ACKMENA - I know he doesn't wear pants. And neither do you.

PEBBLE - Danvay!

ACKMENA - Nanta? What's HIS problem?

(Ackmena pushes the pile of tat aside and sighs. Fooksey strokes her hair)

FOOKSEY - Ee choya.

ACKMENA - I am not selling my body. Not again. I can scrape together some credits...

FOOKSEY - Allayloo!

ACKMENA - I utterly refuse to sleep with holographic jugglers, regardless of the size of their balls. ESPECIALLY ones in bondage gear and peacock feathers! The answer is quite simple, boys. The till.

(Ackmena sweeps across and pings the till open with a flourish.  Wind starts whistling.)

ACKMENA - Empty! What am I going to do!!?

FOOKSEY - Geetch?

ACKMENA - Chalmun is NOT the forgiving type! He's in the eyeball straightening business. He rips out arms just to play Wookiee golf with.

PEBBLE - Shodu.

ACKMENA - I don't think violence is the answer. Maybe it is. I don't know!

PEBBLE - Goonda!

(The ewoks begin to edge toward the door.)

ACKMENA - Don't you dare! We're all in this together!

(The ewoks scarper).

ACKMENA - Fooksey! Pebble! You're heartless!

(Ackmena begins to chew on her knuckles)

 

 

ACKMENA - If you cut me, do I not bleed!? Oh Ackmena, you may have bitten off more than you can chew this time! There's just one thing for it!

(Ackmena reaches behind the bar and retrieves a laser pistol. At this point Krelman enters)

KRELMAN - No Ackmena! It's not worth it! What could be so bad?

ACKMENA - Apart from being stuck with you, Krelman? Nothing. But that's beside the point.

KRELMAN - Don't do anything silly, Ackmena! I couldn't live without you!

ACKMENA - That's... that's very touching, Krelman.

KRELMAN - I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of people who I care about, Ackmena, and you're one of them.

ACKMENA - You have six friends? Krelman, I'm amazed. But I'm not going to top myself. Don't be so negative. Just watch this.

(Krelman gazes after Ackmena in awe as she sweeps out of the cantina. There is the sound of blaster fire. A few moments later Ackmena returns, holding a huge purse of jingling coins.)

KRELMAN - Oh, Ackmena! I wasn't grovelling, snivelling, whining, yet somehow you came to me and it's been wonderful ever since.

ACKMENA - I don't doubt it for a moment.

(Ackmena triumphantly empties a load of gold coins onto the bar top)

KRELMAN - Where did you get all that money?

ACKMENA - Where do you think? I blew Labria's head off as he was off to deposit his bounty hunting wage in his safety deposit box. The cocky little swine had it coming since the night he pulled a gun on me. On me! Well, I mean.

KRELMAN - Oh, Ackmena!

ACKMENA - Oh dear.

(Fooksey and Pebble peep round Krelman's robe and admire the coins appreciatively.)

 

ACKMENA - Well yubnub, rub-a-dub, give Teebo a bone! There's enough here to pay off my debt AND buy us all a beer and a jerba burger!

FOOKSEY - Ooooh yup yup!