A Day at Chalmun's



  

Kabe: Fweep, fweep, fucker!

Djas Puhr: I ain't black! Lando is black! You fucking racist.

Myo: Put some fucking clothes on Muftak. Exhibitionist.

Greedo: I am Breedo Greedo, I have thousands of children. I am the mortal enemy of Paedo Greedo, obviously.

 

 

 

Arliel Schous: I have a lot of good friends in Mos Eisley, even if they're losers. I like to show off my glowing eyes,. Bom Vimdin thinks they're hilarious.I enjoy sitting in a back booth at the Cantina with Bom, Pons Limbic, Hem Dazon and Trinto Duaba (with a 'tache. He isn't fooling anybody by the way). Everyone loves a werewolf, and I'm way cooler than that weirdo reptile-shagging Lak Sivrak. Does Lak have glowing eyes and a Hollywood Dad? No. Period.

Pons Limbic: I'm the brainy one as you can see. Ignore Schous, his Dad was a demon in a Bob Brown Halloween film, so he trades off his father's fame. Consequently he thinks he's hard but when Myo flashed a knife at him in Ackmena's Cantina, he squeaked like a pup! He also got windy with Richard Pryor over at the Star Bar when he was chatting up M'iiyoom Onith but Fuzz soon put him in his place, and he was pretty docile after that.

Trinto Duaba: I'm unofficially known around Mos Eisley as the Dowager Queen

Hem Dazon: [crouches down, then jumps up]

 

 

 

Lak Sivrak: I am the coolest fucking werewolf in here. Hey vagina-chops! You like getting your lady lips round some cool werewolf? I don't mind sleeping with Dice Ibegon, but I'm modern like that. Plus she has blow job eyes.

Labria: Stop, you're making me horny.

Dice Ibegon: I just pretend I’m a force sensitive who can travel through time but its all bullcrap to impress wolfmen.

 

 

 

Feltipern Trevagg: hey, Onith, get outta my seat, sucker!

Elis Helrot: whacka lacka bing bong!

M'iiyoo'm Onith: Sluuuuurp!

Leesub Sirln: I only fuck spacers with the visor down. Lick my force-resistant top-knot! Lick it!!

Nabrun Leids: Are you my mummy?

Dannik Jerriko: soup...

Reegesk: Imma stab you up man!

Hrchek Kal Fas: Pretty Green Eyes.

 

 

 

Garouf LaFoe: You fucking grass!

BoShek: Uh oh, it's all about to kick off. Watch my sideburns!

Takeel: Got the hump, asshole?

 

 

 

Obi-Wan: Did you just call me a cradle snatcher?

Evazan: Take it outside, man!

Kitik: Mmmm, lunchtime!

 

 

 

Solo: If I poke the décor suspiciously Greedo will be distracted rom my other hand!

Merc Sunlet: admire my lovely hair.

Debnoli: I wish I had his lovely hair.

 

 

 

Nothing to see. Move along, move along.

Super Trooper

Get yourself a nice cowl. Then you'll feel really evil. Wheeee!

(Ackmena waves as Nikto leaves)

It's goodnight friend, but not goodbye. Now where was I. I'd just got back from my fortnightly stint judging Palpatine throne room dioramas when what do I find but four - not three, not five, but four - Stormtroopers in a state of undress in my bed chamber. During a spate of ransacking they'd found themselves rather horny and rounded up some of my customers for a rather intimate strip search, which everyone present enjoyed. Especially Tork. At least they kept their helmets on, and what fine helmets they were, let me tell you. They'd roughed up a few of my regulars, but Ket Maliss likes it rough anyway so it was all hunky dory.

(Ackmena lifts her rag to salute Pons Limbic as he exits)

Come back soon, I'll be waiting! I blame Lil Palpatini. Since he inherited his Uncle Sidious' computerised throne, it's been all 'hands on'. I'd like to kick him right in his dictats. Who would have thought an agent of satan would have such bad acne?

I say these young people try to hard to prove a point. Anyone causes me stress, I just say 'I'll kill you!' It's best to be forthright, then everybody knows where they stand!

Ah, the only good thing about the Empire is all those sexilicious young Stormtroopers who come to town. They're wild alright. And who do you think has to comfort these poor, lonely, virile boys when they're far from home. That's right, me. It's a duty I feel. Because while they're shooting up me, they aren't shooting up the locals.

'Eeek eek eeeeeek!'

Oh, spare me the details, Rungs!

 

 

It seems the Troopers are leaving. I hope they're satisfied. I like people to leave the Cantina satisfied.

There's Davin Felth now. And woah, that boy is filth! Davin always makes my gusset soggy. He was hot for Aunt Beru and wanted to sample her blue MILF milk, but had to settle for an elderly Jawa he beat senseless with his fetching shoulder pad. Utini my ass!

When's the patrol due back? I ask him. Bubum. Dewback? Patrol? Geddit? I don't know why I bother. I'm wasted in this cantina, wasted!

Oh God, I'm high.

Davin Felth ignores me and tramps out into the cold desert night. Moody. He's obviously been listening to too much Police - Synchronicity over his Stormtrooper earphones.

 

Then there's Ashy McFisty. I've had him. More like McFitty! I don't want to know why he got his surname, though, so I'll stop you right there.

I've pulled Ennis Shmism as well. He was Jewish. I could tell. Ooh that thought gives me pelvic giggles.

'That Ackmena,' 'they say, 'she's the Ulti-milf!' And they'd be right.
 

 

 

Anyway the last time the boys in white visited the bar, Dan the Stormtrooper got stabbed in the stiffy. His comrade Aerial Fellation got spat on. It was a melee all right, and every man for his MILF.

What's that I hear you say Zutmore? Of course I entertain requests!

'Qwerk! Qwerk!'

Not those kind of requests. 
 

 

 

Drinky

Gentlemen! I don't think you heard me! The Empire has closed us down! Again!

Oh yes. Darth Crate got wind that I... that is, we... we were serving his younger brother Darth Not-So-Crate premium Jawa Juice WKD and it turns out he's underage!

Well, how was I to know? The young grow so fast these days... they just shoot up!

But not in that way!

I don't condone intravenous drug use!

Well, not on a Tuesday at any rate. I'm not Dannik Jerriko!

'Dannik! You are Fugly Bugly man! You ain't getting my soup!'

 

 

 

That's him told. Sigh. I suspect it might also be that little business with Sosio not indulging a three way with Darth Shirtless... she was heavily into Tork at the time, and he was heavily into her, if you catch my drift!

From a strictly personal point of view, I prefer Artoo Dildo, with his smooth and shiny dome. He can use his sensorscope on me anytime.

Goodness me, I can't stand about slagging people off. That's Sosio's job. What would you like? I'm waiting. When you tell me what you want to drink I'll put it in front of you then encourage you to sup faster so you can make a space for me to put another one there.

I said, I'm waiting!

 

The Emperor's New Clones revisited

In honour of it being ten years since the making of The Emperors New Clones, here is an affectionate look back at one of the best from those heady golden days of Star Wars fan films. The Emperors New Clones (TENCLO for short) is the alternative prequel, a tongue in cheek (and infinitely more enjoyable) take on Revenge of the Sith. It follows the events of The Empire Strikes Backyard, another film created by Backyard Productions, who had previously produced the Indiana Jones skit Doom Raiders.

 

TENCLO is worth the entrance fee alone for the eBay joke: 'let's see if that code is worth the price you paid...' not that there is a fee, this noble effort was entirely for charity. And by effort I'm not being disrespectful, when you see the sheer amount of work that went on in the behind the scenes feature you'll know what I mean. People moaning on YouTube that this simply isn't canon are spectacularly missing the point.

 

 

There is so much obvious love for Star Wars with throwaway lines in tribute to the movies, if you're quick you might spot a gonk (not the droid kind) in the Falcon and a rubber chicken in Anakin's Naboo homestead along with an ever changing family portrait that turns to the Dark Side on its own. For fans of other sci-fi heavyweight brands, there's a Star Trek teleport gag. And was that a TARDIS?

Palpy's building his first Death Star and the workmen have suggestions on the design of the chasm in the middle of his throne chamber: 'someone could be hurled down there... should I put a rail around it' (predating Robot Chicken's take on the same joke). Palpy has also spent a lot of his credits on an army of Clones who don't much look like each other but manage to be mean little dancers when they're not banging their head on the overhead door in homage to the infamous New Hope goof.

 

'I grilled them all!' Anakin is a secret eater. And it's the slippery slope to the Dark Side from there. Popping off his robotic hand and replacing it with a kitchen implement to help with dinner, and soon Anakin's putting the freedom of the galaxy at whisk. Stir whip, stir whip. It's like every stanza rhymes with the next. I'm sure not having a chair has turned a lot of people to the dark side. 'Nooooo!' And when Anakin finally puts the mask on after an altercation with Obi Wan where his old Master trod on his foot, Vader discovers it's all about power dressing.
 

 

Padme has lots of outfits a la Phantom Menace and Anakin ejects from his ship like Artoo in Sith. Luke and Leia are youngsters with a sibling rivalry the size of Beggar's Canyon going on. 'Whateva, take a picture. Talk to the force hand!' Later at Jedi training the younglings dispense their own justice to the tiresome teenage Leia, leaving her buns seriously dishevelled. Much to Yoda's satisfaction as he waves his three fingered W shaped hand: 'whatever!'

 

Yoda and Palpatine are strangely alike and why not, they are the yin and yang of force. Darren Scales excels as the Young Palpatine. He has no fear of the Jedi. He's more interested doing his best meerkat impression and playing with his lego TIE fighter. Colour him Darth Unimpressed. Well, he is the Senate. We've got Punchy Palpy, Pointy Palpy. He's violent, he's the Dark Lord of the Sith! Duh! 'Don't let him kill me!' Wink, that's your cue, Anakin! 'Use my knowledge, I beg of you! Ooooh I'm so weak...' He's scary too, like when he descends into a litany of darkness accompanied by an Omen-like score, until he dismisses the singers. Palpy can't help it, like Lady Gaga he was born that way.

 

 

Palpy in a pickle. That smarts.

 

Palpy is aided by Darth Small, who is not to be underestimated. He has a big force choke but he only wants to ride in a Star Destroyer. He's perfectly sized to act as a foil for Little Luke in the denouement.

 

Don't call me small, you big haired freak!

 

The crisis in the Senate and news that Obi Wan has been kidnapped kick-starts the plot, leading Anakin and a posse of dubious Jedi, including Mace Windu, the noisome Burp Fartoona, Dildo Head, Jedi Master, and the foxy Hoowhywerwot off to rescue him, having chartered the Millennium Falcon, piloted by a young Han Solo and his father, Han Solo Senior.

 

Mace Windu may be the King of C'ool but I'm very fond of the camp one. Who couldn't adore a tea-loving Jedi seen adjusting the colour of his lightsaber - yellow, turquoise... stripey! 'Ooh, forgot me lightsaber! Ooh, forgot me cloak!'

 

 

The journey is not an easy one as the Jedi bicker and Solo Senior insists on never flying in a straight line and making evasive manoeuvres for nothing. Solo ain't fussed, Solo don't care, Solo's the smuggler with the lovely hair! 'Hey, you're in my personal space!'

 

 

Solo Senior may say he doesn't drop his cargo at the first sign of an imperial cruiser, but when his son points out an imperial cruiser, that's just what he does. Who couldn't applaud adding to the mythos a young Han Solo with an unsettling deep voice and hessian bracelet and Australian father: 'travelling thru hyperspace ain't like dusting crops, bwoy!' 'We've been in tighter scrapes than this...' 'No we haven't!' Solo Senior also has a handy book in the cockpit, a guide to Star Wars technobabble, which proves invaluable.

Setting off as backup, Yoda leads his younglings in a phalanx of X-Wings to battle the Empire's forces. These kids are cute, and I don't even like kids. I confess a soft spot for Red Wine who finds her bottle in the battle of Yavin. Her children are too old to begin the training though, too old! Another young pilot finds time to enjoy a Not Poodle in the Death Star trench. The X-wings taking on the TIE fighters sequences are superb. How Leia got that rebel helmet over her buns is unexplained, but I'm able to ignore that... I felt a tingle of genuine excitement with the dog battles in space: 'around the Falcon a perimeter create' - and the final shot of the Tantive IV as it jumps to hyperspace and cue end credits.

 

 

 

 

Things take a melancholy turn as the Jedis do indeed fall - quite literally, thanks to the janitor and a wet floor on the Tantive IV - and things go all Evita: 'just call me Ben...' highlighting the surprisingly pleasant vocal talents of all the cast. They could add that to their resume along with construction, as they all helped build the sets apparently. The set of the Tantive IV is as good as the one in the movie and the Millennium Falcon cockpit is more realistic than in the Holiday Special.

 

As the Emperor and his newly recruited apprentice Vader celebrate with a knees up and some jolly pat-a-cake, the heroes are vanquished. Dildo Head is sucked out of an airlock door and the others decide to go to Alderaan, because nothing ever happens there.

 

The final lightsaber fight is freakin' awesome. In one scene two fights play out simultaneously with five sabers across two levels of the set, all perfectly choreographed. Plus there's a twirly lightsabers 'homage' to that pointless scene with the over the top grandstanding on Mustafar in Sith. The scope is impressive, and they pull it off. Oh and the John Williams music is timed brilliantly.

 

The special effects are unbelievably good on a budget of £3000 in 2005. The script crackles along nicely and is absolutely jammed with funny jokes and nods to its source material. This film got me in the feels. I hope that all involved went on to be happy and do fun things. Open your mind and heart, let in the Force and love TENCLO. Another happy landing!

 

 

Filthy lies

                 

 
 

Wuher takes a wry look at some cantina patrons...

 

If you believe that silly old Expanded Universe nonsense then everyone in the Cantina that fateful day Obi Wan Kenobi and Luke Skywalker walked in was a spy, undercover Jedi, Force sensitive, rebel sympathiser... not so! Really most of the guys in there were just normal freaks enjoying a drink. Look at that M'iiyoo'm Onith. Yes, the plain girl. She's fond of exaggerating the facts, shall we say.

 

          

M'iiyoo'm likes to put about that she's a radical feminist and a bit nuts, like that chick off Basic Instinct. She even invented this story that she laid Feltipern Trevagg then gutted and ate his intestines later. The fact he was seen still hanging round the Cantina over the next thirty years put paid to that little yarn M'iiyoo'm spun. Black Widow she isn't. In fact he simply used her horribly due to the fact she was the resident ugly girl and would go with anybody. She flirted with Arleil Schous at Richard Pryor's Star Bar but the bouncer Fuzz soon put a dampener on their night. Wracked with despair, M'iiyoo'm finally found her niche and made a million using her proboscis to unblock the drains of Hutts.

 

 

Another good example of a nobody with an over the top back-story is Elis Helrot. Mercenary? Bounty Hunter? Arch-criminal? The only thing he's guilty of is copyright infringement after watching 'Scream'. Ill-fated but well-insulated, that one.

 

I'm so lonely. I beat my wife...

 

Mostly Armless

Ackmena answers phone: helllooo! [pause]. No, this is not Wuher. [pause] What? He's currently engaged in what he's usually engaged in at this hour, which is flying over canyons, single-handedly. He doesn't even use a T-16! Such ostentatiousness! I know, amazing! I must confess a certain... jealousy. These days I just have to trot into Toschi Station for some power converters and I've put my hip out [puts phone down].

 

I hate talking on the phone. It's so time consuming and I only end up having to lie. I could be selling drinks, which is what I'm good at. Or singing, which I'm not so good at.

 

See that Ponda Baba? He couldn't live without his phone! Since his little altercation in this very bar where he got a little chopped up by some kid's sugar daddy, his missing arm keeps ringing him up and giving him the silent treatment. It wants them to get back together but Ponda's grown very independent since the split.

 

Anyhow Ponda still has his wanking arm and there's the usual festive fingering from Trinto and Chaachi. Out in the open, and in broad daylight! Well let me tell you. Such chutzpah! Times like these, I wish I was a fucking Jawa.

The Ballad of Janek Sunber

 
Jeez, that was a shift all right. Two particularly excitable ewoks visited my Cantina tonight - you know, the drunk ones from the Today Show? Fooksey and Pebble. I love those fuzzy critters. And man, do they know how to drink! Then BoShek staggers in. The only greaser in the Star Wars universe, and he wears the same space uniform all the time! He's a dodgy one alright. He's after what he's usually after, so I say: 'Bo, my dear, I simply haven't got the energy.' He goes away with his tail between his legs; which is just where I like it. It takes me half an hour to clean up ewok vomit and the used prophylactics. I'm about to close up when in walks this beefy Imperial Officer, and I think I'm going to be overturned, or frisked. Or worse. If I get lucky. Then I realise he's on his own, and only a young one at that. This officer is barely a kid! His insignia marks him out as a Lieutenant, and for a moment I'm sure he seems familiar. The boy sits at the bar, hulking over the tiny bar stool, and puts his head in his hands. I'm no expert, but I'd say he was depressed. Yes, I would. And even if he is a servant of the system that has enslaved MILLIONS across the galaxy, my motherly instinct compels me into offering the sad youngster a pint of Krelman's favourite orange juice. He looks up as I pour:

'Don't you recognise me, ma'am?' he says.

'Why, it's little Janek! Janek Sunber!'

'That's right ma'am'.

'The one the kids at Tosche Station call Tank, because of your habit of guzzling petrol from Sandcrawler exhausts.'

'A'Yup.'

'How's your mother? Don't tell me, I couldn't stand her. Incidentally, didn't you once poop in my landspeeder?'

'Erm', he says, reddening suddenly. 'No, I don't think so-'

'Yes, you did! I remember it clearly. It was just before you left for the Imperial academy.'

He puts his head in his hands again. I'd swear he's been crying. It's all very intriguing and I feel I can't let this lie. He's so much more buff than his action figure. Obviously Lieutenant Sunber just wants a shoulder to cry on so I offer him one. And a bar towel to blow his nose on. Ooh, I like this young man. He's such a credit to the Empire. And so immaculately turned out too. You could say he's a mint Imperial. After a while Sunber drains his drink and I immediately fuss over him to have another:

'Tork! More Ithorian musk gland wine for the Lieutenant!'

The lad shakes his head drowsily but I'm having none of it: 'Nonsense! I'll have none of that. This is on me.' I'm running a tab for the Empire, remember?

'Am I a good man?' Sunber suddenly asks, almost tearfully. I watch his huge Adam's Apple do a triple somersault.

'Well... I...' I'm lost for words. For once.

Sunber lets out a groan of despair.

'Why, you're a WONDERFUL individual!' I cry.

'Then why does Luke Skywalker get all the plaudits? When he's joined a criminal organization to bring chaos to the galaxy! Killing all those people aboard the Death Star...'

'Well, it was about to blow up another inhabited world... Perhaps the clue's in the name. Death. Star. Do you see?'

He looks at me. I hastily change tack: 'Oh, I wouldn't worry about him! That overhyped punk Luke Skybaulker! Baulk! And as for his plaudits... I wouldn't touch his plaudits with a gaderrfi stick!'

Sunber smiles despite himself: 'I actually came here looking for overnight accomodation. I had expected to be sleeping at my Dad's moisture farm during my vacation, but they shunned me.'

'Oooh, that smarts I guess. There's nothing like a shunning.'

'I'm going offworld again tomorrow. I just need somewhere to bed down.'

'There's always room at Ackmena's Inn! You marvellous specimen of humanity!'

Yes, indeed! Lieutenant Sunber could gladly bed down in my humble little abode. It's been too long since I let a young man have access to my well-attended private place. But no! I stop myself just in time. How could I stoop so low? I'm no MILF! My reputation as a militant lesbian barkeep would be in tatters! And Tatooine just ain't ready for that.

'Actually we're all full up.' I lie.

Sunber frowns wearily.

'Ah! Richard Pryor has rooms. At the Star Bar. For yourself, of course! I wasn't.. I mean, I wouldn't... wouldn't even SUGGEST such impropriety... the age gap between us alone would make it awkward. It would just be too... no.'

I overhear Ponda Baba in his booth saying 'that bitch be crazy!' Well, the affrontery of it. Well, HE can talk! At least I don't have a ghastly bollock-ass face. Oh.

By now Sunber has passed out on the bar. I hear him mutter 'Wouldn't it be neat if Cloud City didn't have weather veins?' before he drifts off to S'leepy L'and.

I motion to Tork to move him. He manages to heft the young Imperial over his shoulder, but struggles a bit as he carries the unconscious man upstairs. I smile to myself. I thought the jawanol would never kick in. I get that ish from Dannik Jerriko so I know it's good stuff. I get the handcuffs from Leesub Sirln. She is one kinky madam. I get the Jerba yoghurt from the punters' Jerbas tethered outside, personally.

'Ackmena, my dear, you're a one,' I congratulate myself, wondering if Little Janek is Big all over. I rub my hands together and look forward to a night of fun fun fun!