Bless me father for I
have sinned, it's been too long since my last confession.... but I love the
Star Wars Holiday Special. And if you read beyond that point, I'm assuming you know a) what it is, b) fan consensus on the subject.
I'm here to try to accentuate the positive, or maybe justify my own mental illness when it comes to my adoration of this TV car crash that was screened only once before YouTube came along to see it resurrected.
Premise. It's all
about the mindset. Or context, if you prefer. It's not meant to be the Empire
Strikes Back. It's not a sequel, which is what most people at the time,
desperate for their Star Wars fix long before the internet came along, were
expecting, nay longing for. These crazy fans who had already been to see the
original film a hundred times in the cinema at the time the Special aired. The
anticipation was misplaced to start with. It's a light hearted variety show,
therefore it isn't placing priority on taking the Star Wars mythos seriously or
trying too hard to buy into its continuity. Dromboid and Gormaanda are not
meant to be multi-layered creations ripe for a place in the Expanded Universe.
There wasn't one back then. Thank fuck! The Special is nudge-wink, comedy fluff
for the holiday season with a few appearences by Star Wars regulars thrown in.
Like the Muppets episode. Is that universally derided, even despised? The
Special wasn't made with po-faced obsessionals who actually believe in the Force
(see the 2011 UK census on religion) in mind. It doesn't pretend it's not about
Korman, Arthur, Carney et al. The Star Wars actors are the cameo guest stars.
The adverts. These are
mind-numbingly protracted, and appear too often, without announcement. Like one
minute before the end of the show. FFS! They might look curiously retro now,
and carry that ethos of 1978, but they didn't back then. 'People building
transportation to help people'. Oh very fucking dear. This was all an
unwelcome, shoehorned distraction. Some of that anger probably spilled over
into hatred for the Special itself. It's infinitely more palatable with all the
advertising edited out.
Scene 1 overruns, yes.
Does it need subtitles? No. It's not like they're doing anything complicated or
culturally relevant. I get the gist, so the average two year old probably can
too. Plus points: the design of the Wookiee house is excellent in the main -
even I draw the line at the MFI cupboard and green carpet though, but it's so
Christmassy! The look for Kashyyk (Kazook?) would endure and be faithfully
adhered to for Revenge of the Sith, many years later. Also, the animatronics of
the wookiee masks are ahead of their time. Now I know the people who came with
joy over the very drawn out black screen bits in the Star Wars 7 trailer would
prefer the Wookiee family burned alive a la the Lars Homestead but you know,
fuck off, its Thanksgiving and all that.
Cardboard Millenium
Falcon cockpit set. It does the job. Stock footage of TIE fighters. Yes, more
emphasis is placed on the Bantha rump than on the space battles. But goddamn
it, that Bantha died for a reason. Actually as a keen student of cuisine, I
always want to know how the dinner turned out. I know I always make Christmas
dinner when my family are missing presumed dead. Don't judge me. I love
Gormaanda by the way. It's an old joke, but Korman pulls it off: 'that's not
right/I'm sorry.' And the size of the bite in my family is legendary, so there.
Luke's face. Believe
me, it's not as scary as those kids on the Kenner Star Wars vehicle boxes.
Saun Dann. I love Art
Carney's ad-libbing and wavey hands. He comes across as charming and even if he
and Itchy are dirty old men, I'd love to spend a weekend with them and Noa from
Ewoks - Battle for Endor. Imagine that curmudgeonly triumvirate! Carney does do
serious, the bit where he loses it with Malla because her stupidity is going to
get them shot up like Aunt Beru, is genuinely menacing.
Pantomime Imperial
Officer Villain/Grooming Kit Thief. I love this guy with his porn tash and porn
presence. He's a bargain basement Darth Vader to be sure, but that deep voice
is damn sexy.
The Holographic...
'wow'. As the 'wildly inappropriate' holographic porn scene shows, this Special
is not for kids. It's for adults still reeling from the Star Wars phenomenon
hitting their lives and their wallets to enjoy a few hours drunkenly
half-watching a parody/tribute to this newly aborning corporate monster
franchise. And is that scene truly pornographic? Christ, if I saw that on
Youporn when looking for inter-racial hairy dude granny sex I'd be really
fucking disappointed. I like hard core anal myself.
Leia singing. As is
often pointed out, Leia looks coked out of her skull. Her eyes do point in
different directions. But someone whose eyes can look both East and West at the
same time kind of impresses me. At least she doesn't mime like Eminem, and
she's still classier than Cheryl Cole. We didn't have autotune then. Carrie
Fisher purportedly started using narcotics before the Special. Probably in
order to cope with over-serious Star Wars fans wanting a lock of her bun.
Cantina scene. ah, the
Cantina scene. Bliss! Seeing all those wonderful creatures made by Rick Baker
and others again. It's sublime. The Tin Tin Dwarf hug. Arleil Schous. Labria.
Pons Limbic. That midget girl bartender. Ahhhhh... Bea Arthur's character, the
world weary but twinkle-eyed Ackmena who lends Walrusman and Snaggletooth money
all the time. Bea's every facial expression. Her customary bitchy humour. If
only Han Solo had verbally sparred with her. There's a whole film right there.
If there had been a sequel to the Holiday Special where Ackmena leans over a
prone Han Solo as he hangs from a strut of Cloud City and tells him she's his
mother, I'd actually die happy. I love Ackmena's song. It's on my I-pod. Kitsch
as can be, with its umpa-dumpa Seventies farting beat. It's a time
capsule in itself.
To Sum Up
I am unashamed by the
inexplicable brown-beige-green fuzz of delight I get from the Holiday Special.
Personally, I don't want it to become readily available with pristine THX
Surround Sound. I like the illicit thrill of watching my illegal download and doing
my bit to say 'fuck you, George, fuck you.'
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