The Emperor's New Clones revisited

In honour of it being ten years since the making of The Emperors New Clones, here is an affectionate look back at one of the best from those heady golden days of Star Wars fan films. The Emperors New Clones (TENCLO for short) is the alternative prequel, a tongue in cheek (and infinitely more enjoyable) take on Revenge of the Sith. It follows the events of The Empire Strikes Backyard, another film created by Backyard Productions, who had previously produced the Indiana Jones skit Doom Raiders.

 

TENCLO is worth the entrance fee alone for the eBay joke: 'let's see if that code is worth the price you paid...' not that there is a fee, this noble effort was entirely for charity. And by effort I'm not being disrespectful, when you see the sheer amount of work that went on in the behind the scenes feature you'll know what I mean. People moaning on YouTube that this simply isn't canon are spectacularly missing the point.

 

 

There is so much obvious love for Star Wars with throwaway lines in tribute to the movies, if you're quick you might spot a gonk (not the droid kind) in the Falcon and a rubber chicken in Anakin's Naboo homestead along with an ever changing family portrait that turns to the Dark Side on its own. For fans of other sci-fi heavyweight brands, there's a Star Trek teleport gag. And was that a TARDIS?

Palpy's building his first Death Star and the workmen have suggestions on the design of the chasm in the middle of his throne chamber: 'someone could be hurled down there... should I put a rail around it' (predating Robot Chicken's take on the same joke). Palpy has also spent a lot of his credits on an army of Clones who don't much look like each other but manage to be mean little dancers when they're not banging their head on the overhead door in homage to the infamous New Hope goof.

 

'I grilled them all!' Anakin is a secret eater. And it's the slippery slope to the Dark Side from there. Popping off his robotic hand and replacing it with a kitchen implement to help with dinner, and soon Anakin's putting the freedom of the galaxy at whisk. Stir whip, stir whip. It's like every stanza rhymes with the next. I'm sure not having a chair has turned a lot of people to the dark side. 'Nooooo!' And when Anakin finally puts the mask on after an altercation with Obi Wan where his old Master trod on his foot, Vader discovers it's all about power dressing.
 

 

Padme has lots of outfits a la Phantom Menace and Anakin ejects from his ship like Artoo in Sith. Luke and Leia are youngsters with a sibling rivalry the size of Beggar's Canyon going on. 'Whateva, take a picture. Talk to the force hand!' Later at Jedi training the younglings dispense their own justice to the tiresome teenage Leia, leaving her buns seriously dishevelled. Much to Yoda's satisfaction as he waves his three fingered W shaped hand: 'whatever!'

 

Yoda and Palpatine are strangely alike and why not, they are the yin and yang of force. Darren Scales excels as the Young Palpatine. He has no fear of the Jedi. He's more interested doing his best meerkat impression and playing with his lego TIE fighter. Colour him Darth Unimpressed. Well, he is the Senate. We've got Punchy Palpy, Pointy Palpy. He's violent, he's the Dark Lord of the Sith! Duh! 'Don't let him kill me!' Wink, that's your cue, Anakin! 'Use my knowledge, I beg of you! Ooooh I'm so weak...' He's scary too, like when he descends into a litany of darkness accompanied by an Omen-like score, until he dismisses the singers. Palpy can't help it, like Lady Gaga he was born that way.

 

 

Palpy in a pickle. That smarts.

 

Palpy is aided by Darth Small, who is not to be underestimated. He has a big force choke but he only wants to ride in a Star Destroyer. He's perfectly sized to act as a foil for Little Luke in the denouement.

 

Don't call me small, you big haired freak!

 

The crisis in the Senate and news that Obi Wan has been kidnapped kick-starts the plot, leading Anakin and a posse of dubious Jedi, including Mace Windu, the noisome Burp Fartoona, Dildo Head, Jedi Master, and the foxy Hoowhywerwot off to rescue him, having chartered the Millennium Falcon, piloted by a young Han Solo and his father, Han Solo Senior.

 

Mace Windu may be the King of C'ool but I'm very fond of the camp one. Who couldn't adore a tea-loving Jedi seen adjusting the colour of his lightsaber - yellow, turquoise... stripey! 'Ooh, forgot me lightsaber! Ooh, forgot me cloak!'

 

 

The journey is not an easy one as the Jedi bicker and Solo Senior insists on never flying in a straight line and making evasive manoeuvres for nothing. Solo ain't fussed, Solo don't care, Solo's the smuggler with the lovely hair! 'Hey, you're in my personal space!'

 

 

Solo Senior may say he doesn't drop his cargo at the first sign of an imperial cruiser, but when his son points out an imperial cruiser, that's just what he does. Who couldn't applaud adding to the mythos a young Han Solo with an unsettling deep voice and hessian bracelet and Australian father: 'travelling thru hyperspace ain't like dusting crops, bwoy!' 'We've been in tighter scrapes than this...' 'No we haven't!' Solo Senior also has a handy book in the cockpit, a guide to Star Wars technobabble, which proves invaluable.

Setting off as backup, Yoda leads his younglings in a phalanx of X-Wings to battle the Empire's forces. These kids are cute, and I don't even like kids. I confess a soft spot for Red Wine who finds her bottle in the battle of Yavin. Her children are too old to begin the training though, too old! Another young pilot finds time to enjoy a Not Poodle in the Death Star trench. The X-wings taking on the TIE fighters sequences are superb. How Leia got that rebel helmet over her buns is unexplained, but I'm able to ignore that... I felt a tingle of genuine excitement with the dog battles in space: 'around the Falcon a perimeter create' - and the final shot of the Tantive IV as it jumps to hyperspace and cue end credits.

 

 

 

 

Things take a melancholy turn as the Jedis do indeed fall - quite literally, thanks to the janitor and a wet floor on the Tantive IV - and things go all Evita: 'just call me Ben...' highlighting the surprisingly pleasant vocal talents of all the cast. They could add that to their resume along with construction, as they all helped build the sets apparently. The set of the Tantive IV is as good as the one in the movie and the Millennium Falcon cockpit is more realistic than in the Holiday Special.

 

As the Emperor and his newly recruited apprentice Vader celebrate with a knees up and some jolly pat-a-cake, the heroes are vanquished. Dildo Head is sucked out of an airlock door and the others decide to go to Alderaan, because nothing ever happens there.

 

The final lightsaber fight is freakin' awesome. In one scene two fights play out simultaneously with five sabers across two levels of the set, all perfectly choreographed. Plus there's a twirly lightsabers 'homage' to that pointless scene with the over the top grandstanding on Mustafar in Sith. The scope is impressive, and they pull it off. Oh and the John Williams music is timed brilliantly.

 

The special effects are unbelievably good on a budget of £3000 in 2005. The script crackles along nicely and is absolutely jammed with funny jokes and nods to its source material. This film got me in the feels. I hope that all involved went on to be happy and do fun things. Open your mind and heart, let in the Force and love TENCLO. Another happy landing!