Jeez, that was a shift all right. Two particularly excitable ewoks visited my Cantina tonight - you know, the drunk ones from the Today Show? Fooksey and Pebble. I love those fuzzy critters. And man, do they know how to drink! Then BoShek staggers in. The only greaser in the Star Wars universe, and he wears the same space uniform all the time! He's a dodgy one alright. He's after what he's usually after, so I say: 'Bo, my dear, I simply haven't got the energy.' He goes away with his tail between his legs; which is just where I like it. It takes me half an hour to clean up ewok vomit and the used prophylactics. I'm about to close up when in walks this beefy Imperial Officer, and I think I'm going to be overturned, or frisked. Or worse. If I get lucky. Then I realise he's on his own, and only a young one at that. This officer is barely a kid! His insignia marks him out as a Lieutenant, and for a moment I'm sure he seems familiar. The boy sits at the bar, hulking over the tiny bar stool, and puts his head in his hands. I'm no expert, but I'd say he was depressed. Yes, I would. And even if he is a servant of the system that has enslaved MILLIONS across the galaxy, my motherly instinct compels me into offering the sad youngster a pint of Krelman's favourite orange juice. He looks up as I pour:
'Don't you recognise me, ma'am?' he says.
'Why, it's little Janek! Janek Sunber!'
'That's right ma'am'.
'The one the kids at Tosche Station call Tank, because of your habit of guzzling petrol from Sandcrawler exhausts.'
'A'Yup.'
'How's your mother? Don't tell me, I couldn't stand her. Incidentally, didn't you once poop in my landspeeder?'
'Erm', he says, reddening suddenly. 'No, I don't think so-'
'Yes, you did! I remember it clearly. It was just before you left for the Imperial academy.'
He puts his head in his hands again. I'd swear he's been crying. It's all very intriguing and I feel I can't let this lie. He's so much more buff than his action figure. Obviously Lieutenant Sunber just wants a shoulder to cry on so I offer him one. And a bar towel to blow his nose on. Ooh, I like this young man. He's such a credit to the Empire. And so immaculately turned out too. You could say he's a mint Imperial. After a while Sunber drains his drink and I immediately fuss over him to have another:
'Tork! More Ithorian musk gland wine for the Lieutenant!'
The lad shakes his head drowsily but I'm having none of it: 'Nonsense! I'll have none of that. This is on me.' I'm running a tab for the Empire, remember?
'Am I a good man?' Sunber suddenly asks, almost tearfully. I watch his huge Adam's Apple do a triple somersault.
'Well... I...' I'm lost for words. For once.
Sunber lets out a groan of despair.
'Why, you're a WONDERFUL individual!' I cry.
'Then why does Luke Skywalker get all the plaudits? When he's joined a criminal organization to bring chaos to the galaxy! Killing all those people aboard the Death Star...'
'Well, it was about to blow up another inhabited world... Perhaps the clue's in the name. Death. Star. Do you see?'
He looks at me. I hastily change tack: 'Oh, I wouldn't worry about him! That overhyped punk Luke Skybaulker! Baulk! And as for his plaudits... I wouldn't touch his plaudits with a gaderrfi stick!'
Sunber smiles despite himself: 'I actually came here looking for overnight accomodation. I had expected to be sleeping at my Dad's moisture farm during my vacation, but they shunned me.'
'Oooh, that smarts I guess. There's nothing like a shunning.'
'I'm going offworld again tomorrow. I just need somewhere to bed down.'
'There's always room at Ackmena's Inn! You marvellous specimen of humanity!'
Yes, indeed! Lieutenant Sunber could gladly bed down in my humble little abode. It's been too long since I let a young man have access to my well-attended private place. But no! I stop myself just in time. How could I stoop so low? I'm no MILF! My reputation as a militant lesbian barkeep would be in tatters! And Tatooine just ain't ready for that.
'Actually we're all full up.' I lie.
Sunber frowns wearily.
'Ah! Richard Pryor has rooms. At the Star Bar. For yourself, of course! I wasn't.. I mean, I wouldn't... wouldn't even SUGGEST such impropriety... the age gap between us alone would make it awkward. It would just be too... no.'
I overhear Ponda Baba in his booth saying 'that bitch be crazy!' Well, the affrontery of it. Well, HE can talk! At least I don't have a ghastly bollock-ass face. Oh.
By now Sunber has passed out on the bar. I hear him mutter 'Wouldn't it be neat if Cloud City didn't have weather veins?' before he drifts off to S'leepy L'and.
I motion to Tork to move him. He manages to heft the young Imperial over his shoulder, but struggles a bit as he carries the unconscious man upstairs. I smile to myself. I thought the jawanol would never kick in. I get that ish from Dannik Jerriko so I know it's good stuff. I get the handcuffs from Leesub Sirln. She is one kinky madam. I get the Jerba yoghurt from the punters' Jerbas tethered outside, personally.
'Ackmena, my dear, you're a one,' I congratulate myself, wondering if Little Janek is Big all over. I rub my hands together and look forward to a night of fun fun fun!
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